Social Anxiety Disorder

In my baby group meeting today one of the topics we touched upon was autism, which led to how all babies are different and socialize differently. The group leader said some toddlers get very shy when entering a room full of other toddlers and so the group leader will ask that the mom come early with her toddler so they are the first ones in the room. I wondered if I could translate this method to my grown up life. If only babies could play with blackberries or light up a cigarette - that's one way to fake confidence when walking into a room full of strangers.

I tried out a new cafe today called Huckelberry with my friend Evan who I have not seen in ages. Yummy tarts and other sweet things called out my name from behind a glass counter. But I ignored these voices and ordered a salad and had a delicious ice coffee. I will be eating here again. Max and I went to the park later this afternoon. At 7:00pm I met my former co-workers at the infamous Tom Bergins where it is literally a crime not to order a beer on tap. However I had my usual diet coke and then ordered two turkey burgers to-go, no fries, salad instead, for Craig and I. When I came home Craig had already put Max to sleep. We ate dinner and now it is time for bed.

After The Rose

I may not watch TV during the day but I sure make up for it at night especially Sunday, Mondays and Tuesdays. Craig is horrified by my Reality TV obsession, and it's only become a bigger problem in recent years. Sunday I watch the unwatchable "Kendra" and then "Denise Richard's It's Complicated". Monday is the "Kathy Griffin Show" and if I have energy "The Bachelorette" . I wait all week for Tuesday's BET show "Tiny and Toya" which right now is my favorite show, and then there is my least favorite Bravo series, "NYC Prep". Tonight I was pleasantly surprised with the bonus post Bachelorette show called "After The Rose". The hunky, yet sensitive Reid made an appearance and asked Jillian if he had told her he loved her sooner, would she have changed her mind. He is so dreamy, why did Jillian dump him for Ed...why!?

Today Max and I went to the Grove, I went between his feed times and he fell asleep in his stroller. I perused the shelves at Barnes and Noble where I picked up Diabolo Cody's autobiography "Candy Girl". I was shocked to find out that she was only 24 years old in 2003 and hadn't even officially began writing yet, and she's already won an Oscar. I quickly closed the book and proceeded to feel pangs of urgency to be published, and then to make myself feel better, I tried to think of a list of writers that had become successful after the age of 40. ( i'm giving myself a 7 year lead here) But I could only conjure up Frank Mcourt's name. I settled on buying three writing magazines and then headed over to The Farmer's Market where I got an icy diet coke and found a table in the shade. I cracked open a magazine and zoned out. At one point I looked over at my sleeping baby and thought "this is heaven". A few minutes later I realized heaven would soon be interrupted if I didn't get home in the 20 minutes for a feeding and diaper change. Later I finished an article that I have been tooling around with. Tonight Craig and I went to dinner at our friends house who also have a young infant. We ate delicious, meaty, crusty lasagna which I'm sure put me off the charts in terms of weight watcher points. Oh yeah I recently joined weight watchers to get rid of the last 13 lbs. I get 22 points a day, it's crazy how I can go through that allotment before 2pm.

Now it's off to bed. Actually I have one more TV show to watch and that is Entourage, it is the only scripted show I will watch. Today was a good day.

The Last Boob Report

As of yesterday the era of breast feeding and pumping was officially over. My boobs went back to normal, much to Craig's dismay, and I packed away the pump. Like a montage, I saw the breast feeding journey from beginning to end, the laughter, the tears, the late nights, the early mornings, the pain, the exhaustion, and the quiet moments. I thought of all the new things I learned, all the tricks of the trade, how to breast feed in a bed, or on a couch (it's a difference of angling pillows) or what table to pick when breast feeding in a restaurant, how to breast feed on a plane during turbulence and sandwiched between two men (neither of which are my husband), and yes sometimes even in a moving vehicle (it was an emergency y'all!)

I learned what to eat and what not to eat for a fuss free baby, for me that meant no fish, no eggs and no milk, although I didn't always adhere to my dietary restrictions.
I was then hit with the memory of the hundreds and hundreds of dollars spent on tons of breast feeding related STUFF like the two types of pumps, the bottles, the caps, the storage bags, the funnels, the filters, the boppy, the boppy covers, the hooter hider, the bra with the holes cut out to hold my boobs while pumping, the $80 jogging bra, the sleeping bra, the transition bra, the day to day bra in black,white and pink, the strapless bra, and the tank tops specially made with cut out feeding holes. Then there were the nursing pads to prevent leaking (i know gross) and the nipple cream to help soreness (again i know - uggh) and to make sure that the flow didn't disappear I had mother's milk tea and some oil serums. As I packed away all this stuff I wanted to say thank you to the Pump Station for being so helpful and such an incredible resource and guide for me. I hazily remember bringing Max to The Pump Station when he was less than a month old. I timidly asked if I could feed him and a nice lady sat me down on a comfortable couch and brought a stool for my feet and a glass of water. How fortunate to live in a city were places like the Pump Station are the standard. Alas as I look down at my regular breast size and feed Max from a bottle, I say goodbye to an era of when I became a mom for the first time. Farewell pump paraphernalia, until next time! Although you were a lot of work I will do it again for baby #2, and hopefully for a bit longer.

TGIF

Max is teething hence he's a tad cranky. He hardly ever cries but the past couple of days he's turned on the tears big time. I called his pediatrician's office and they recommended Hyland Teething Tablets. I don't what's in these things but its like a miracle drug, I gave him two before his afternoon nap and he passed out, then I gave him two before bedtime and he passed out again. I ain't asking any questions. Even though I spoke to a professional over the phone I still brought Max into the doctor's office. I'm sure by baby #2 I'll be as cool as a cucumber about everything, but the nurse mentioned he might have an ear infection and to keep an eye on him. So rather than waiting to find out, and making up symptoms, I brought him in. Needless to say he was fine. But of course I'm freaking out tonight, I took my babysitters advice and bathed Max in the sink, she said his bathtub was too small for him, but he was all slippery and his head went back a bit, and I swear he bumped it, or did he tap his head. He didn't seem to notice. But I got freaked out..you know ever since the whole Natasha Richardson thing. Well I have checked on him 3 times tonight. he seems ok. I very hesitatingly told Craig, who I knew would not be happy that I didn't use the specially formatted infant tub. I was right. He was annoyed.

So I'm in love with a new song. It's "Halo" by Beyonce. Since I'm past the crazy falling in love stage with Craig, and I am now in the "take love for granted" stage, I don't relate to every song like I used to. In my single days, songs could take on the most deepest of meanings about the guy du jour (like the French guy who worked the counter at Stroh's Deli back in '04 - if you were female, single or not, and lived in Venice you know who I'm talking about...alas he moved back to France). Craig and I have "our song" - and I remember what I was listening to summer of 2006,when we were crazy in love. There are songs that make me smile and say "oooh I'm so in love" like Jason Mraz's "lucky", which totally is a hubby song. But "Halo", made me think of Max. So that may sound creepy, but I swear there's no physical stuff in there. No lyrics that refer to kissing or sex (shudder..yuck) Of course I just looked at the video link, and it's all about Beyonce gyrating around a guy in a low cut bodysuit and tights. But I swear the lyrics can be about a baby! Just listen. Doth I protest too much?

The picture above is from Venice Beach. Craig and I went to C&O last night, which is not the best place to go if you are watching your weight, but after dinner we walked on the pier. Being so close to the water and looking out as the sun set over the beach was heaven. No matter how jaded I feel sometimes, the beach always makes me feel much, much better.

Tomorrow is a BIG day we are going to a children's music festival in Malibu. This will be Max's second concert (his first was the playboy jazz festival) I love saying that. Makes me feel cool.

Frank McCourt and Monday

Frank Mccourt, author of Angela's Ashes passed away this weekend. I read Angela's Ashes along with millions of others so many years ago and saw the movie, which was not half as good. I don't remember much about the book except that it was a memorable memoir about growing up. I don't know if it makes sense, but while I am not able to recall exact passages, I am left with a warm and fuzzy feeling. I do remember a part of the book when the young Frank McCourt discovers this rich man in town eats his eggs without a yolk, and he can not believe that someone would actually throw out the best part of the egg. After I read that, I stopped eating egg white omelets, it seemed so ludicrous and wasteful to throw out the yolk. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that Angela's Ashes was published when Frank Mcourt was 66 years old. He was a teacher in NYC. He seems to have thoroughly enjoyed life before being published. This was good to read (for me).

Today was pretty slow. I woke up to a very messy house. And I dragged my feet to clean, sweep, and do the laundry. It was also awfully hot and we don't have air conditioning. I did one errand with Max, which was going to the bank. I planned on rewarding my efforts of putting Max in the car seat, getting the stroller, folding the stroller, hoisting it into the trunk then unfolding the stroller, settling max in the stroller, then getting Max out of the stroller and changing his diaper in the car, then folding the stroller and hoisting it back into the trunk, mind you all in hot, hot weather, with a simple ice coffee, with half and half and three sugars. But once I got back in the car, the thought of going through that process again was simply too difficult for me to comprehend and so we headed back to the steaming house. Once at home I cleaned some more and prayed that Max would just take a nap. I could have cared less about his sleep schedule, I just needed to be alone. But Max wouldn't nap so I had the brilliant idea of going across the street to the local donut shop and getting an ice coffee, but I couldn't find my keys. I searched high and low, finally when I found them Max was fast asleep. So I waited another hour before I got my ice coffee which was at 3:30pm. Then it's time to feed Max and play some more. At 5:00pm I went for a walk with a girl I met in my baby group. I didn't do one thing at all for my script today.

At 7:30pm I headed out to hear a talk with Jeremy Kleiner, producer at Brad Pitt's production company Plan B. As we went around the table to introduce ourselves I stated my former job and my new job title as executive mom. I didn't have the courage to say "writer" Even though I have two spec scripts, one TV spec- that placed in the semi finals at scriptaplaooza, one feature spec that I was asked to write after someone saw my short film, a short film that won two grants in film school, or that I wrote for an online entertainment magazine for two years and a local LA paper. Even though I'm currently writing a second feature (well brainstorming), I can not bring myself to call myself a writer. It was good for me to listen to Hollywood jargon and stories about how scripts were produced. It's good to get out of the house.

I'm at home now. Getting ready for bed. Hopefully tomorrow I can carve out sometime for writing. Max wakes up at 6:30am every morning. I feed him and then he plays on his mat for about an hour. I put him down for a two hour nap from 8 - 10am. I should use this time to write, instead of crawling under the covers like I usually do.

Screenwriting 101

I really enjoyed Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince. In the vein of keeping myself accountable to my audience regarding a finished screenplay by 12/31/09, I must talk about where I am in the process, which is that I am starting from zero. I have decided not to work on the action-adventure "masterpiece" that I recently re-discovered. Craig read it, and had no idea what the hell I was writing about, or what the story was about. Usually when he reads my work he gives me constructive criticism, but all he could say last night, as he buried his smile in to a pillow, was "I'm so confused, what is this story about?". I tried explaining the story to him, but the truth was I wasn't even sure how to do that. I'm not even a big fan of the action - adventure genre, but I had an idea that my movie would be like The Conversation. I still think my story has potential as soon as I figure out the story! and I will go back to it one day and soon, but for now I'll either go back to the doorman and career woman love story or embark on another script - also a love story. I need to make my decision by end of day. That is the first step. I'm so frustrated. Right now I'm reading Jennifer Weiner's Best Friends Forever she is a great writer, her descriptions are so on the money!

Hollywood Hotspot

Today Craig and I embarked on buying a highchair for Max. We went to the Juvenile Shop in the valley. The Juvenile Shop, which sells everything for baby, has been a staple in Los Angeles for 20 maybe 30 + years. This small store is jam packed on Saturdays. I don't know why I decided to register at The Juvenile Shop. The store is a 40 minute drive from where I live, the online site is a bit clunky to navigate, and they are always back ordered on the item I really want, but it seemed like the place to be, and I've always been a bit of a sucker to do what is "in". The Juvenile Shop is a real scene. I always see someone I know, a friend of a friend, a cousin of a cousin and a preggers celebrity du jour. Today we saw a make up -less, visibly pregnant, Nicole Richie, who looked ethereally pretty. Her stick thin legs stuck out of cut - off jean shorts, and her honey colored hair was perfectly mussed. She made looking pregnant very cool, and I decided then and there that my next pregnancy I too will have stick thin legs. At the cashier counter, which is totally disorganized because you have no idea it's the cashier counter, attractive looking people frantically bought last minute gifts for what I believe was Tisha Campbell's baby shower. One of these people was a friend of friend of mine, she was dressed in high heels and a sequined baseball cap. And finally we saw friends of friends registering for their baby. This is the most social action I've gotten in ages. I didn't want to leave.

Tonight I agreed to see Harry Potter, I'm not at all interested but Craig always sees what I want to see, so I suppose it's the right wifely thing to do. Since right now I'm too tired to do other "wifely" things, I can do a movie!

Me, Myself and I

The conversation with my boob seems to have quieted down. In fact the whole house is quiet right now. Max is fast asleep. I finally made the obligatory call to COBRA that I had put off for the whole week. The weather is gorgeous, hot and sunny with a slight ocean breeze. I titled this blog entry "Me, Myself and I" because I'm feeling very focused today, very zen. It is rare when this happens.

I started working on an old script, ( not the one about the love story between the NYC doorman and overworked career woman.) This is an action - adventure. It's all I'll say for now, not because I think my idea is so great that someone will steal it, actually the opposite! In 2002 I told a friend of mine about this idea and she said "hasn't that been done before?" it burst my bubble and I just put the story down. But the other day, as I was dusting off old scripts of mine and pieces of paper with lots of scribbles, I came across this unfinished "masterpiece". And you know, I actually enjoyed what I was reading. So I've made my decision. This is what I am working on and it will be completed December 31st, 2009.

I'd also like to add, that while I'm not weight obsessed, I want to get back in pre-baby shape. There is this line in the book Operating Instructions by Anne Lamot, about her post baby body. "when I lie on my side in bed, my stomach lies politely beside me, like a puppy". That's definitely how I felt the first 3 months after having Max. By the way this book came highly recommended to me by my friend Melissa and author of Swimming Upstream Slowly. Since I'm on the topic of books, Jennifer Weiner came out with her new book Best Friends Forever. I haven't read it yet but I am a big fan of her work. Here she is talking about her new novel.

I'm also reading Kate Atkinson's Case Histories (recommended by Jennifer Weiner - not personally I should I add!)

Max and I went to our baby group today. He's such a sweet baby. I sometimes look at him and pray that he never gets his feelings hurt, or gets scared, or experience any pain. Of course I know this is impossible. That's what life's all about. I only hope he grows up to be a happy man.

Oh and BIG news - his front bottom tooth is broke through his gum today! Which actually made me sad...he's growing so fast. No more gummy smile.

Regrets, I've had a few

I stuffed my right bra cup today with a sock. My left boob won't quit - it's getting larger, and it says to me:"are you sue you want to stop breast feeding?"

"yes" I reply back, "Max almost slept the entire night until 7am!"

"but he's not even 6 months old, you didn't make it to the 6 month mark like you said you would"

"I know, I know" I concede, "but it's just that I stopped breast feeding for a good reason, Max didn't seem to be getting enough from me."

"You have more than enough milk now and what reason could be better than your child's health". My left boob says sternly.

This conversation goes on for a while. No conclusion is reached.

Today I'm meeting a friend at the park. Her baby is 2 weeks older than Max, she is strictly breast feeding. I wonder when I take out the formula bottle if I'll be come an instant outcast. I'm considering telling people Max is adopted.

Boobs and deadlines

There is only one way to say this. One of my boobs is WAAAY bigger then the other. Like if I wear a t-shirt, it's noticeable. This happened because I ended up only breast feeding from one boob - it was my "go to" boob, guaranteed to feed Max like in ten minutes flat. Which let me tell you at 3am is a truly wonderful thing. But there are consequences to taking the easy way out and that is I now have one ABNORMALLY huge breast. While the other breast deflated to normal size. Apparently it (the boob)will go back to normal. Since I am transitioning Max to formula, I will be able to survey all damage in a few weeks time.

I have nothing to report from L.A. today. I was a homebody. I downloaded a Taylor Swift song and a Black Eyed Peas song and a Kari Hilson song. Every time I sat down to write (which is twice when Max was napping) I got up to do something I probably didn't need to do.

Plan tomorrow.

LogLine

Outline.

1st act - due on August 3rd

2nd act due on Sept 3rd

3rd Act due on october 3rd

1st rewrite November 3rd

2nd rewrite December 3rd

3rd rewrite December 31st

What's My Story?

Max actually slept from 8pm -12am. He woke up for a quick feed at midnight and I gave him nearly 7 oz of formula. But guess what?! He slept thru until 6am! He had a mini wake up at 4am, but instead of rushing to get him, I let him coo for a bit and he fell right back asleep. I have still been feeding him breast milk as well, but from a bottle. However it looks as though those breast feeding days are numbered. I'm slowly getting over the guilt of giving him the man made stuff, and let me tell you I'm feeling great!

Meanwhile I've been trying to work on this dam log line. I started this particular script about a fun loving, prone to partying, NYC doorman who falls is love with an over worked, over stressed career woman - by the end she's relaxed a bit, and he's made good on past mistakes. The story has been mulling around in my head since 2002! How did 7 years go by!!! Is it even relevant anymore? My characters were in their mid twenties. Can it even translate now? I know I have to throw away what I have and re-structure it. Also at the time I actually had a crush on a guy who was a doorman. Back then when I liked someone I could think about them for hours on end and make up story after story. In order to get into the groove of this story I have to re-visit the passion I felt for this guy, which now feels quite childish and cute, and not nearly important enough to write an entire 90-120 page script. In 2002 I didn't realize that my angst as a single girl could yield tons of writing material. I should have written like 18 scripts!

Craig started his job today. So that means it is just Max and Mommy time. So far we've gone to Goodwill and dropped off some old clothes. Then I stopped for an ice coffee at the local donut shop. Max graduated to the Maclaren Stroller. I remember receiving it as a gift 5 months ago and thinking one day I'll have a baby big enough to fit in there. He's all grown up!

The stroller is a very handsome combo of Blue and Orange - it reminds me of The Mets.

But it's too hot to stroll. Thankfully, my house which lacks air conditioning, is still cool. However, we will no doubt be schvitzing later today.

NYC Prep

I tried to stay away from NYC Prep, Bravo's new reality series following the lives of privileged teens. The sound bites from the show are gross. However I tuned in for the premier episode and then the follow up episode titled, "flip of the hair" - I'm not sure what that even means but I'm hooked. The reason for my slight infatuation with this show is that I still miss the early nineties when I became a teenager in NYC.

I'm most interested by the story line of Taylor, 15, a cherub faced girl with long brown hair. Taylor goes to Stuyvesant High School, which is a public school but she aspires to be in a higher social bracket. She doesn't seem to talk and whenever anyone asks her a question, she demurely looks to the ground and says, "I don't know, what do you think?". Right now she's captured the heart of Sebastian, upper east side Casanova slash commitment-phobe, while stringing along her plebeian, x - boyfriend Cole. Clearly I could have used some lessons from Taylor during my decade of disastrous dating. I would like to add that I am rooting for Cole. He's cute!

I went to United Nations International School in NYC. We had our 'Sebastian', his name was Esteban. While Esteban didn't live on the Upper East Side, he spoke French and Spanish. Esteban if you are reading this forgive me :-) I don't relate to any of the other story lines from the show, which involve very wealthy young ladies shopping. I did know some girls that could afford very expensive clothes but most of my friends shopped at The Gap and then we graduated to Unique, Unique on Broadway (which, sigh, closed so many years ago).

Our Crazy Night at Dan Tana's

Craig and I have been waiting all week to eat at Dan Tana's. We got the babysitter lined up early this week. I even bought a new purple purse to match my new 4 inch heels. I haven't worn a pair of heels that high since pre-baby. The reason for this outing was to celebrate Craig's best friend's birthday with his girlfriend, his Dad and Step Mom. At dinner Craig and I are having a grand ole' time. We are super animated like we have not seen people in years. You should have been there, we were funny and interesting and witty. When the waiter asks if anyone wants desert we decline at first but then order cheesecake and ice cream. Crazy times! Finally Craig's friend suggests it is time to go. A wave of disappointment washes over me as Craig and I hop back in the car. I glance at the clock on the dashboard, afraid to see how early it is. I note that it is only 8:45pm. Panic sets in, "now what?" we ask each other. After a heated discussion of whether we should go to the Century City mall or The Grove, we settle on The Grove were we beeline over to Barnes and Noble. Our last stop is at CVS because Craig wants to buy a fan for the living room. But after standing in an excruciatingly slow line we leave without buying the fan. We finally make it home at 10:20pm. Tonight reminded me of that Chris Rock bit about how married couples order coffee and dessert and try and keep the meal going as long as possible, while singles can't wait to leave the restaurant and have sex.

The Hangover

So after my mid afternoon Guinness yesterday, I had a hangover by 7pm. Most of my friends know I don’t hold my alcohol well, and not because I get out of control. I wish I could dance on table tops and do all of that stuff people do when they drink. My problem is that I feel sick before I get buzzed. It’s awful and unfair that I can't blame alcohol for any embarrassing twenty - something antics.

Craig and I went to a screening yesterday. I left Max with the babysitter and a full bottle of formula. I will refrain from saying the name of the movie we saw, because while it had a heart, the movie lacked a pulse: It was boring. I will say there were some funny lines and two of the actors were intriguing. Before the lights went down, I saw Mel Brooks sit in the reserved section. I can’t imagine he was connected to the project, but maybe he was. My hangover induced headache started just as the opening credits appeared and I must have been complaining quite loudly because a very nice lady offered me a little bag of trail mix which I gladly accepted. After the screening Craig and I booked it out of there to get some dinner at Factors where I saw Larry King walk to the bathroom, and ask a waiter about the Mets game (I think it was the Mets). I love a celebrity sighting. I will warn you that the word “celebrity” has loose parameters for me. My mom says that when I was 11 years old we were at the Jackie Mason show on Broadway and I got extremely excited when I saw the owner of Ess a Bagel in the audience. For those of you who have eaten at Ess a Bagel, holla’, you know what I’m talking about. Midway through my bowl of chicken noodle soup, I called the babysitter half expecting some bad news involving throw up and incontrollable crying, but no, Max was fast asleep. I went to bed feeling pretty wretched. This morning when I went to wake him up I expected to see a full face of acne, but he looked just fine. I suppose the formula might be o.k.

But what about that Screenplay I committed to? well the truth is I haven’t done anything about it this whole week. But today isn’t over. So I’m committing to an hour today.

I should start right now. But its so much more fun blogging.

I’m wondering if I should announce my daily blog on Facebook. Craig does that. I’m afraid people will roll their eyes and sigh “there she goes again with that blog, like we care what she has to say” . But I’m experimenting here. So just maybe I will.

Drinking a Beer In The Afternoon

My breast milk supply is running low. I am tired. I was up three times last night. I bought formula. Craig is feeding Max right now. I feel guilty. I just had a good cry about what a bad mom I am. Someone told me to buy dark beer to get my flow back. Therefore I am drinking a Guinness. It tastes delicious. I don’t know if I want my flow back. This five minutes of total freedom feels great.

Log Lines

A Los Angeles Stay At Home Must choose between her afternoon TV lineup and the unfinished script that she has committed to writing, but just as she sits down to write, the series NYC Prep premiers.

How To Write A Log Line

Protagonist – Identify a main character along with his/her profession.
Genre – Reveal the story's setting when presenting the Conflict.
Inner Conflict – A personal issue for the Protagonist to overcome.
Outer Conflict – An action from the Protagonist that threatens the Antagonist.
Climax – Lead towards a major conflict between the Protagonist and Antagonist.

Craig set up my work space. It’s simple but it’s perfect. Jennifer Weiner writes in a closet. And I think Stephen King too. My place is a tiny alcove off the kitchen.I have pulled out the big guns, a stack of books that I have with me just in case I forget how to write. They are “How To Write A Script in 21 Days”; “How Not to Write A Script” , “Comedy Writing Secrets” “Save The Cat” and the Robert Mckee book, which I opened once and then closed immediately because I was so intimidated. I also must find the “Artists Way”, which is like a gentle parent, or therapist, who lulls you into believing that you are an undiscovered writing genius.

Finding My Voice

So in the spirit of getting started on my writing I had Craig (that’s my husband) retrieve all my writing from an old hard drive. I found “Greetings From LA” - 120 pages chronicling my first three years in Los Angeles. I’m excited to start reading my stories and editing them. I can’t believe I stopped writing for as long as I have. Honestly it feels jarring and unnatural to write. I feel like I’m learning a new sport and I’m totally uncoordinated and clumsy and keep stumbling. I also feel like I have nothing to say since I can spend entire days alone with the baby. While I ban myself from daytime TV watching I occasionally sneak a peak at Oprah. The other day the episode was about mommyhood. There is this blogger named Heather who writes the honest, gritty truth about motherhood. She has such a big following that her blog brings in 40k a month. There is a whole slew of books about the “dark side” of being a mom that are written in a tongue in cheek way. I think the biggest realization for me is how isolating motherhood can be. But how can I be lonely? I have one close friend with a baby and I belong to a baby group with about 10 other first time moms. Then there is worldwide community of parents. It’s like a secret club I never even knew about, where strangers smile at each other shyly and look at each others strollers. I have a doting husband and face book page with 200 + friendly faces, not to mention a gorgeous, sweet natured baby, so again I ask how can I be lonely? Maybe deciding to quit work is a big factor to feeling isolated. Or maybe having a baby is a bigger change that I can ever imagine. It’s not about not being able to sleep in late. It’s unspoken changes. Like having a different dynamic with my immediate family, or re-living my childhood. It is a very unsettling feeling. And while having a baby brought my husband and I closer in an experience nobody but the two of us can share, it also feels really lonely when he can run out to the gym but I have to stay home and breast feed. I’ll chalk it up to a transition phase.

All that aside the picture above is from The Playboy Jazz Festival from a few weeks ago. We went to see Sharon Jones and The Dap Kings. My friend Binky Griptite is in the band. It was nice to be in comped and awesomely close seats to the stage, (well the closest I’ve ever been) but even better was seeing the success my friend has attained after years of working in restaurants during the day and playing music at night. He is the embodiment of making your dream come true.

Greetings From LA

So here I am. I’m 33 years old and starting from scratch. I have not written months and I haven’t started a new screenplay in over two years. When I got married I simply stopped writing. This blog is to hold me accountable to writing. The goal is by December 31, 2009 to finish a screenplay I started a few years ago. I am inspired by my husband who has set a goal to lose a huge amount of weight and get healthy and who is currently blogging about his journey.

When I first started Greetings From L.A., I was living in Laurel Canyon, for free, I must add. I was house sitting a friend of a friend’s house nestled in the canyon. It was cozy and secluded. My life in Laurel Canyon was a writers dream. Because I didn’t have rent to pay, I didn’t get a full time job right away and I spent each morning at the Laurel Canyon Country Store. I drank coffee outside on a hard wooden bench and met other aspiring actors, writers and musicians. Not everyone was aspiring, there were some very successful coffee drinkers too, but the guys that had “made it” didn’t sit around, they would say a quick hello, or hide under the obligatory baseball cap and take their coffee to go. My life in Laurel Canyon was short lived. I soon moved to the bottom of the hills. My early years in L.A. I had oodles of stories and adventures, but all I wanted was to settle down and get married. And I did. I now live in a very residential neighborhood and when I go out with the stroller I can see the Hollywood Hills in the distance. I often tell myself that I prefer to have real sidewalks and meet “normal” people. I once even stopped to smell the roses. “See how pleasant this is?” I tell myself as I walk past one quiet street after the other. I hear that having a baby means reconciling myself to a new life. But I can’t help but think that Jennifer Lopez or Jennifer Garner don’t have to reconcile old and new lives because they were already successful. Now, for them, it is just a matter of bringing a crib and nanny to set and going to fabulous dinners with fabulous people at night. I can’t blame my inability to write on my darling baby. The truth is I stopped dreaming about what I wanted the day I got married. I just turned off. And I can’t blame that on my husband either, who has only encouraged me on a daily basis. It really came from a belief that I couldn’t have it all - marriage and a fulfilling career. That and the fact wedding planning really was a full time job! But here’s to trying again.