I was diagnosed as Depressed mid September. I started therapy again, because I felt hopeless. Usually when I feel hopeless, I eat a piece of chocolate or get a manicure and peruse the magazine rack at Barnes and Noble and within 24 hours I'm cured. But not this time. For the past 6 months, I seemed to be getting worse. I mean I could function. But my mind was deteriorating in strange ways. Like I would cry randomly down Broad street as I walked Max to gym class.
So off to therapy I went and my new therapist handed me a sheet with 20 questions, and after I completed it, she said "You are depressed, you answered yes to more than 10 questions."
While I knew this to be true. I was also shocked. I mean its one thing if I say it, but another if a professional agrees. Wow. But wouldn't you know I feel great 35 days later. Really I do. I think I just needed to talk. And to talk to someone other than Craig. Craig and I were not communicating all that great in the first place. My marriage seemed to have cracks that kept re-cracking. Not every really repairing. Craig and I were the best communicators. What had happened to us? So I started with me again. And apparently that's the trick because everything else aka marriage and motherhood falls into place.
So here I am. Again. Ready to show up to me. While I can't eat my way around Rome, or lay on the beach in Bali - I can find re-birth in the city of Philadelphia.
I am starting from scratch. Craig has said to me "where is the girl I married?" and I didn't know. I still don't know.
A) i have a fear of driving...when i arrived to LA, I had just gotten my drivers license but I was determined to drive and I did everywhere, to San Diego, to Las Vegas, to Malibu...everywhere. Now I won't drive to Trader Joes.
B) I stopped dreaming about writing. I stopped writing. In LA its all I did!
C) I forgot to dream (same as B)
I thought motherhood = putting me on hold. But I know this is not the case. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.